It was one more moron day for me. having seen least sms, messenger, FB updates from darling I was feeling very uneasy. This all brought only one thing on my mind, is darling leaving me, is darling keeping distance from me. Sorry darling but my cynicism pushes me to all these thoughts. I can not imagine life with out darling and ending my life is the only thought which comes on my mind.
I was in office and pinged honey if we could be together today eve. But honey had to take parents for checkup next day. This pushed me to more depression. I could not control my self and asked darling if it were possible to be there with me just in eve and then go back to home and darling agreed for it. Later I started to feel that I am pushing darling and asked to not come at all. But darling wanted to come and asked me the reason to change my mind. I said about how uneasy I was feeling since morning. I was so amazed with how happy I find darling when darling is others and when it comes to me I only have my problems to detail and make darling sad and spend time in futility.
I strictly asked darling to not come, even pretended that I would be going to gym. Darling kept asking me in eve cab and I kept denying. Later darling got down and looked at me and I repeated the same statement. Darling sent me one sms asking - "If you have any love/respect left for me, please I beg you to spend some time with me". Darling I am not so cruel, never with you honey. Having read the sms, my first response was - "Come I am at home." and also asked darling to come by auto.
With in half an hour darling was there with me at home. I was decided to not cry this time but.... I asked darling to keep head in my lap and darling kept asking me to tell him as to what bothers me. And I told darling that I have been very very worried with aloofness or at least perceived aloofness I see with honey. Darling told me that every thing is normal with him and there is nothing amiss. By then I was filled with tears. Darling asked me to lie side by side and say every single thought running on my mind. I told darling that I feel to not live and end my life. My cynicism runs very very heavy at times and keeps drowning me with such thoughts. I also told darling about what I was thinking to write in my suicide note. All this while I was crying very very heavy and darling held my had close to his heart. This is the most comfortable place for in the world, and I feel so my self when I cry in darling's arm. There can not be a better place than this for me in any world. Darling asked me to let my thoughts flow and not contain any thing with in, never. Darling also told me that if there were ever any problem with darling's life, darling would tell me first. Having heard about my suicidal thoughts, darling wanted me to swear on his head. Darling held my hand kept on his head but I kept taking it back. Darling asked me to always remember that there is god with in and I should never forget this. Darling always says that if I ever did any thing to me it is going to kill him the very next moment. Darling, you always let me vent out my feeling and how easy I feel after this.
By then it was time for dinner and we headed out. Darling was to go home post dinner. We came back to my room and darling started playing and singing some songs which darling had dedicated me. I had my head in darling's lap and darling was caressing me gently. I told honey that when ever I listen to "Aaoge jub tum sajana..." and the flute beat, I feel as if my soul is leaving me. I miss darling so much when ever I listen to this song. Honey I am playing this song right now. Then it was the time for darling to head out. But darling was little reluctant and decided to spent night with me. Darling, I was so happy having to know that I was going to be in honey's arms for whole night. This was one of happiest night I have spent with darling. I have no sorrow left with me at all.... no sorrow what so ever.
Its morning 11:32am now, darling left for home early morning 5am. I can smell darling all over me, don't feel to take bath today.
Darling, what would I do if I had not met you......
I was in office and pinged honey if we could be together today eve. But honey had to take parents for checkup next day. This pushed me to more depression. I could not control my self and asked darling if it were possible to be there with me just in eve and then go back to home and darling agreed for it. Later I started to feel that I am pushing darling and asked to not come at all. But darling wanted to come and asked me the reason to change my mind. I said about how uneasy I was feeling since morning. I was so amazed with how happy I find darling when darling is others and when it comes to me I only have my problems to detail and make darling sad and spend time in futility.
I strictly asked darling to not come, even pretended that I would be going to gym. Darling kept asking me in eve cab and I kept denying. Later darling got down and looked at me and I repeated the same statement. Darling sent me one sms asking - "If you have any love/respect left for me, please I beg you to spend some time with me". Darling I am not so cruel, never with you honey. Having read the sms, my first response was - "Come I am at home." and also asked darling to come by auto.
With in half an hour darling was there with me at home. I was decided to not cry this time but.... I asked darling to keep head in my lap and darling kept asking me to tell him as to what bothers me. And I told darling that I have been very very worried with aloofness or at least perceived aloofness I see with honey. Darling told me that every thing is normal with him and there is nothing amiss. By then I was filled with tears. Darling asked me to lie side by side and say every single thought running on my mind. I told darling that I feel to not live and end my life. My cynicism runs very very heavy at times and keeps drowning me with such thoughts. I also told darling about what I was thinking to write in my suicide note. All this while I was crying very very heavy and darling held my had close to his heart. This is the most comfortable place for in the world, and I feel so my self when I cry in darling's arm. There can not be a better place than this for me in any world. Darling asked me to let my thoughts flow and not contain any thing with in, never. Darling also told me that if there were ever any problem with darling's life, darling would tell me first. Having heard about my suicidal thoughts, darling wanted me to swear on his head. Darling held my hand kept on his head but I kept taking it back. Darling asked me to always remember that there is god with in and I should never forget this. Darling always says that if I ever did any thing to me it is going to kill him the very next moment. Darling, you always let me vent out my feeling and how easy I feel after this.
By then it was time for dinner and we headed out. Darling was to go home post dinner. We came back to my room and darling started playing and singing some songs which darling had dedicated me. I had my head in darling's lap and darling was caressing me gently. I told honey that when ever I listen to "Aaoge jub tum sajana..." and the flute beat, I feel as if my soul is leaving me. I miss darling so much when ever I listen to this song. Honey I am playing this song right now. Then it was the time for darling to head out. But darling was little reluctant and decided to spent night with me. Darling, I was so happy having to know that I was going to be in honey's arms for whole night. This was one of happiest night I have spent with darling. I have no sorrow left with me at all.... no sorrow what so ever.
Its morning 11:32am now, darling left for home early morning 5am. I can smell darling all over me, don't feel to take bath today.
Darling, what would I do if I had not met you......
No comments:
Post a Comment