Darling came home today...

Today's morning cab, darling said that he wants to come to my room in eve. And this was enough for my day to be spent in pleasure. Was keenly waiting for eve to come. Darling came to my room in evening cab. We bought "panner manchrian" on the way and then... it were darling and I in my room and no one else to disturb us.

I love when we have edible from mouth to mouth. A half to darling and remaining half to me. At times darling chews it well before offering it to me. Darling is so very romantic always, and if I am even a bit romantic then it is all attributed to my soul mate.

Darling always asks me to talk to tell him what ever runs on my mind. I told darling that I feel like Toby of Spiderman 1, in which he keeps talking to lead female actor while she is away, imagining as if she is listening to him. I told honey that I feel same way. Darling told me that I should tell him whatsoever I have on mind. I keep asking darling about future and darling said that is his admit does not work then he would try to get shifted to US and I can also search job there. Darling always asked me to marry a girl if things don't work our way. I asked darling how would I marry a girl when I have come this far in love with darling and marrying a girl after going distance with darling is promiscuous to me. Darling said that at that point we should consider our doing as mistake and to soothe out conscience. But Darling also said that I should not worry thinking about future and we should try whatever best we can to be together. Darling asked me to keep my hand on his head and swear that I would do my best to be with him. Darling said that there could be only 5% chances that we are not together and our love for one other can never diminish under what so ever circumstances. I asked darling to take same oath on my head.

When this relation had just begun I had told darling that even if there is .01% chance for us to be together I am going to leave no stone unturned to make it work. And today darling said 95%, what better than this I could expect from soul mate. I told darling that I would try 100%. Darling said that instead of worrying about future I should think of making our relation work. This is what gives hope to darling and me thinking on same lines would boost darling's confidence. Darling - you talk so so mature and I am going to follow your words, literally. And you know this.

After this I asked darling to sleep for some time. We had about half an hour left before darling had to rush to his home. Darling began to snore for some time and I made sure that I don't make any movement to interrupt my love's sleep. Half an hour passed in blink of an eye and it  was 9pm soon. We got dressed and headed out. I dropped darling to an auto and I moved to collect my dinner.

Those were romantic, emotional, encouraging 2 hrs I spent with darling today. I am so looking forward to coming Friday when I could spend entire night with darling......................

Darling and I met in Stadium today...

It was about evening when darling said that we might not meet today. I had little head throbbing since after noon and told darling that it is fine with me if we don't get to meet today. I also told darling that I perfectly understand that there are many more darling may have to spend time with and I can not expect darling to be with me all the while. A little later darling asked to come near stadium. Some thing filled me with energy and I instantaneously got ready to move to see my darling. Though having come back to room I am back to same stage....

As usual I reached early and was waiting for darling to come over. Saw my love coming after a while on the other side of road. I cross the road came behind darling and said hi. darling had buy couple of things for home and we moved to market. later I said that I wanted to drink coconut water and darling arranged same for me. We held its pulp with us and headed to stadium to relish it there.

Worrying about privacy darling asked to move to park and we headed to park. Darling then asked to tell him about how I felt for two days when darling was not around. And as again I had tears of sea floating from my eyes.  I told darling that I miss him and was feeling as if darling is gone for ever. Darling held my had and kept asking to tell him more and more. Caressed my legs few and far between and said that we need to trust each other. There was least privacy in park too and we decided to head back to stadium. while going back i knelt down to tie my footwear and darling offered his hand to me to kiss. I did not realized it and missed. Wonder when I would learn these small love making gestures.

And then we were back to stadium, sitting in the pavilion and no one was around. Darling so badly wanted to kiss me. He looked around and I said it is risky to kiss here. Darling moved behind pavilion to see if there were more privacy and I pointed at people being in and around. We were back to pavilion soon. Darling asked if we bend our selves on steps then no one would be able to see us. We did that, bent and kissed for a while and then.....

Then was the time when we had to head back, darling to his house and I to my room. Our eve meetings are always very short. Suddenly darling said that he would come to a jewelery shop with me. Once we reached near jewelery shop darling said that we can go to an empty lift near by and kiss. We got in to lift and happened to kiss twice. The latter once lasted long as we moved till basement.


And then was the time for me to go back, darling asked me to catch bus. I waited for bus for about 10 mins but seeing no sings of  bus I started to walk back. I feel happy having met darling today...

SMSes from darling...

What has been my all time booster in this relation with darling is to read those profound messages which darling keeps sending me. I read time and again when I am lonely and my cynicism tries to take over. This messages show how out relation blossomed from friendship to brotherhood to eternal love for each other.. I am going to list down those messages here and would be updating it with new messages -

"Cool think of all good thing. Whatever best has happened to u. Think of best ppl in ur life. You will get good dreams"

"Yes surely. may the best happen to person who is reading this msg. Think of you bestest romantic moments and get lost in them. Love you lots bro!"

"And happy that you see some good things in me to imbibe as well. BTW close ur eyes after this msg. May both pairs of you eyelid kiss and embrace each other and transport you in to their fantisies! DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE AGAIN. SLEEEP "

">:D< you may be a jackass but not a robot dude"

"Thanks a lot buddy. Btw i dont want to lie to you. I slept at 6 only. Will sleep till 8. You too have a great day. :-). Finally having a sense of relief that ive finished apps well"

"No there will be a point when we may hav to, but that will never affect the friendship, but in fact spread more cheet. :-) >:D<"

"Man we really are similar mind in diff bodies"

"But I promise ill not allow you to sacrifice. Ill start sleeping sooner. Bu 1q or 11:30. Yes you can save this msg and use that as evidence. Ill will try my max for achieving this, and make you happy :-)"

"Save that msg. :-) "I solemnly swear that I will start sleeping for atleast 6hrs daily and start sleeping at 11-11:30 to the fullest of my abilities, unless forced by unavoidable circumstances." See I have taken ass oath as well. :-) >:D< "

"Hmm... Cool bro! We can visit a few shops for phone and talk too. Am really lookin fwd to spend some time with u. You are my friend who cares abt me so much to the extent that i cant fit it in this sms. But I know we neednt say this explicitly at all." Our minds perfectly know how we fell abt each other. You are the world's best caring moron, 'Moron' only to the world, but the sweetest beautiful brother for me.  :-) >:D<"

I missed darling yesterday..

Darling was gone for outing for two days, Friday and Saturday. Happened to be alone in cab on Friday. Well there were others around but their presence hardly matters for me. Darling called me Friday morning before moving for outing and I asked to not cry and all. How darling always consoles me makes me feel that I am younger to darling though I am more than 4 years elder to darling. Friday was tolerable, day passed smooth and I reached home in eve. My daily routine is to see kiss darling's pic on my mobile before sleeping. Keeping his pic open, holding it close to my heard and then close my eyes to sleep. And in the morning I again first kiss darling's pic before coming out of bed.

Though its been just two day I was feeling as if darling is already gone abroad for higher studies and I am left alone here. At times was close to tears and they just did not drop. Darling always asks me to not cry and have faith in our relation, going to extent to make it work. Darling came back to Bangalore yesterday called me up and said the we would meet tomorrow. I am always dying to see darling but afraid that darling might not get time to meet me today :-(

I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu shj

Yet again Darling consoled me today...

Yesterday was very bad night, I started to feel all lonely again with what happened in eve cab yesterday evening.
I again had thought of ending this life and getting rid of all the feelings. First I never had courage to do this, second I remember darling's face. Darling always told me that if I ever did any thing wrong, darling can not live in this world either.

Darling had been sending very senti messages yesterday. Called me twice and kept asking if i am all well and tried to lie and hide my feelings. But darling was not convinced. Early morning darling sent me message asking if I am all well. Darling was worried thinking I might do something weird over night. We happened to meet in morning cab, and as usual before cab reached darling's pick up point I let darling knew about its arrival.

I was sitting in different place today, though still in last row. I wanted to not talk to darling today (Sorry darling but this was my state of mind). Darling got in and asked me first qs about my sleep and I answered. Then I asked darling same, First darling hesitated but later revealed about sleeping for 3 hrs. It was enough to melt my stone heart. Darling asked me to sit near him and I quickly moved to darling like a kid being offered sweets. Darling held my hand and said sorry. Since yesterday darling had been asking sorry and I have been repeating about my life being pathetic and darling has not done any thing wrong by mocking at me. I was very sad knowing darling could not sleep yesterday night again. Darling told me that he was having weird thoughts about me, since we were in cab darling could not talk more and said we would talk later....

It was about 3pm when darling and I met again in lower basement in office. Darling asked me about my feelings of yesterday night and I said to not ask else I would end up in crying in office. Darling asked me to walk away, we found a secluded place and then was the same question from darling to me. I told darling that if he wants to leave me than be it, to which darling said that he can never leave me. Darling was having weird thoughts of me taking sleeping pills and ending the life. This fear did not let darling sleep and darling so badly wanted to see my face. I told darling that I am so controlled  by cynicism at times that all other feelings just die down, I am afraid what I would do in those desperate moments. Darling said that if I ever commit suicide than darling would do the same and darling can not live with out me. I told darling that I just don't see the same person as my darling when others are around and I want to avoid the situations when darling and I are not alone. My tears were flowing badly during entire conversation and darling tried wipe them. Darling so badly wanted to kiss me but.... I was so consoled having spoken to darling.

Later we move to LB to move to our work station. This was an empty lift and darling asked me come to his floor so that we could kiss for more time in lift. This was very special kiss to me after all the worries of yesterday night.
I saw such true love and pure heart in darling's eyes today. I am so happy that darling spoke to me today and showered so much love.

I love you honey.

Yours
DDT

n.b. When I was citing my moron thoughts to darling, darling kept insisting that it is fault on her part that he has not been able to build trust with me. Darling, it is not you. It is my cynicism which pushes me and only after meeting you I have been able to fight with it. But its so that at times my cynicism is so strong that I can't curb it. But I know that my darling will make it vanish completely one day. Love you honey :-*/0

Is darling same when there are others around us?

I often realized that darling is not same when others are around me. I always feel that it is not my shj and some one else. Some one who likes to mock at me, letting others know how pathetic my life has been. Once when darling and I were together I told darling about me not feeling my self at all when others are around us. To which darling said, this is true me (darling) when darling and I are alone.

But then is keeps coming back to me. Today while coming back in evening cab. Darling said to others how boring my life is, I don't even go home often. But then darling stopped, Wonder if darling realized that it hurts me. It is not so that it is not true. My life has been pathetic and I can not deny this. But when some one so close to me speaks about it so publicly it indeed hurts me. And given my cynicism I only have weird thoughts coming to my mind. Ending my life and getting rid of all these heavy feelings.

Darling once told me that darling has spoken about my problem to one of his good colleague. who is known to me also. I am afraid how much about me darling told to his friend. And every time I see him it comes to me how much he knows about me.

I love darling and can take any abuse coming from him, Even if darling kills me I would still love him. But I feel very sad  when darling utters such words about me to other. Since eve darling is sending me apology messages to which I have been replying about my life being pathetic and no one has to apologize for it. Well it is true also. I my self know that I am pathetic, moron. cynical, psycho who does not deserve any love, and I am afraid no one can ever be happy with me including darling.

Darling if you find some one else tomorrow, please go ahead and leave me. I can live this life alone as long as possible. and would be happy to see you with your life partner.


I love you darling.
Yours
DDT

21st Jan 2011, When darling kissed me first time and we fell in love.....

My blog posts have been very anachronistic and why would not they be, When I decided to let world know about my love I had so many things to write and in no order. This blog post should have been first post but any way....
So how I fell in love with darling and why darling. Why only darling, even I don't have any answer for this. It is not that I have never been attracted towards any one. I did have my share of attractions towards others but none of them lasted for more than 2/3 days. I just got over the person really soon. And yes I did not have any physical relation with any of them. But then there was darling. 4 years younger to me but yet behave so maturely (atleast when only two of us are around).
It all began when I got new job in August last year. I was excited with new job but never anticipated that it is going to get me my soul mate, though not so easily. I was sitting on the same floor with darling. I noticed that darling was jovial though we never had much of discussion b/w us as I was new to company to so as to my colleagues. Darling was not even my direct colleague. I can't really recall what darling told me first but yes he started teasing me coz of my dumb looks. My formal wear and bald head got me name wally. Not very interesting and I was not at all happy about once I saw picture of wally. Darling would introduced me to any new person as wally and it would sadden me deeply. But I did not say any thing to darling. (well, by then we were not darling but I can't say any thing else but call my soul mate darling). There were times when I badly wanted to retaliated but I did not. First it was a new company for me and second I was trying to be patient. (But darling you tested my patience badly, very badly).One day darling called me Pathetic Moron (and yes I am, may be you can add psycho also) in front of my colleague and kept laughing and I did not have any idea how  to react to this. May be laughing would have been a better escape way. It's good if I learn this habit soon to face all those who either keep asking me about my single status or my habit of not growing hair at all. But I am so and I can not change my self for sake of others. There are many such instances when I was badly hurt but I am not going to write all of them. One day darling is going to read these posts and it would only make him sorry and I can not take this.

I suppose darling realized it one day and pinged me on messenger that he is sorry about making fun of me in front of others. and I said I am not so childish to be hurt with all this. Though I was so, every single time darling would introduce me others as wally.
Past couple of  years I had developed very bad habit of hitting others on back and that also real hard. Ended up doing same to darling and then,... well darling felt that this how I retaliated to all those mocks darling cast at me. Darling, you know I never intended any retaliation, it was just an old habit and see I stopped it now, completely.

By now we had begun to chat on messenger and darling told me one day that darling does not get sleep, it's been so from about 1 year. I did not do much, besides bidding darling good night on messenger. Darling started to open up with me slowly but only on messenger. And one day darling said that there have been times when darling did not have any shoulder to cry on. Darling had been sacrificing for others sake since childhood but no one has ever bothered or ever had any chance to help darling. Darling had been sort of outcast in college too, as darling was too brilliant for other class mates to accept. For a while I felt I am looking at mirror. Though I have not been as brilliant and deep heart as darling but I felt darling is some where as lonely as I am. And this is when I decided I would make darling sleep. That's the only thing I could have helped darling with. I thought I would either make darling sleep or become an insomniac myself. May be this was the beginning of our love.

So every night I would keep tabs on when darling would sleep, and darling began to realize it soon and started asking me to sleep soon. I began to ask darling to log off not work any more and get to deep sleep. And it was not supposed to work easily, as darling would just go offline (just to make me feel that darling is slept) and cont with work. Ever day in morning cab I would ask how long did darling sleep. And then was the day when darling slept for less than 4 hours and told me the same. And I had tons of tears in my eyes. Well, I tried to contain them as much as possible. We sit in last row in cab and darling asked me to sit near him. Kept his had on my hand and I asked darling to at least close eyes, if not sleep. I felt my whole effort of making darling sleep was going in vein. We reached office and I had break fast with darling. Later darling asked me to come to one empty floor of office and then hugged me there. Hugged me very tight and said I should not cry for such things, there might be many big problems in life than worrying about his sleep. But darling, I can never stop worrying about you sleep. Never ever. Still there was no love between us and both of us would treat each other as brothers....And darling promised me that he would sleep well, and try to put best possible effort to do so.

Darling always wanted to come to my room and wanted to know more about me. Darling would always ask me about my so least visits to home and one day I said to darling about family issues (can have a dedicated post about it) and since then darling wanted me to speak more and let my feelings vent out. Darling would always tell me that he is not gay but would kiss me on lips and dry my tears. And I said to darling that I don't care whether he is gay, lesbian, bi or asexual.

It was 21st Jan night when darling came to stay over night. Since there is just one bed in my room and that also so tiny I asked darling to sleep downstairs after dinner,  since there were two beds available downstairs. But darling insisted to sleep with me in small bed. Darling said that he would be very comfortable with me in the small bed. In the eve darling was talking about his family and how they have survived toughest of times in life. And then we headed out of dinner. Once we were back, darling wanted to know every thing about me. Every single worry which has engulfed me till date. I started and I started with tears, I said every thing to darling. I told darling how downcast I have been since my childhood and on and on and on...  This was the time when darling kissed gently on my lips. A very mild and short kiss, and then I reciprocated and then....
I was completely in to darling and so was darling to me. This was first time of love in my life and I can not say how happy I was. I remember having asked darling to marry me and darling said that it's not marriage it is meeting of two souls. And I again ran in to tears. I said to darling you gave me life and killed me today too, to which darling said that I need to be more understanding and marriage is not every thing in life, and if marriage matters so much to me then darling will marry me also. Till then it was morning and darling moved home.

Some thing changed after that, I said to darling if there is even .01% chance of us being together, I would not leave any stone unturned and darling accepted my love. We started to meet at least once a week in my room. There was nothing hidden b/w us. Both us know that it is going to be most difficult to be in India and be together, both of use want to be away... to a place where only darling and I would be there for ever. And we need to work to make it work...

Darling came home yesterday 18th March 2010...

It was one more moron day for me. having seen least sms, messenger, FB updates from darling I was feeling very uneasy. This all brought only one thing on my mind, is darling leaving me, is darling keeping distance from me. Sorry darling but my cynicism pushes me to all these thoughts. I can not imagine life with out darling and ending my life is the only thought which comes on my mind.
I was in office and pinged honey if we could be together today eve. But honey had to take parents for checkup next day. This pushed me to more depression. I could not control my self and asked darling if it were possible to be there with me just in eve and then go back to home and darling agreed for it. Later I started to feel that I am pushing darling and asked to not come at all. But darling wanted to come and asked me the reason to change my mind. I said about how uneasy I was feeling since morning. I was so amazed with how happy I find darling when darling is others and when it comes to me I only have my problems to detail and make darling sad and spend time in futility.
I strictly asked darling to not come, even pretended that I would be going to gym. Darling kept asking me in eve cab and I kept denying. Later darling got down and looked at me and I repeated the same statement. Darling sent me one sms asking - "If you have any love/respect left for me, please I beg you to spend some time with me". Darling I am not so cruel, never with you honey. Having read the sms, my first response was - "Come I am at home." and also asked darling to come by auto.
With in half an hour darling was there with me at home. I was decided to not cry this time but.... I asked darling to keep head in my lap and darling kept asking me to tell him as to what bothers me. And I told darling that I have been very very worried with aloofness or at least perceived aloofness I see with honey. Darling told me that every thing is normal with him and there is nothing amiss. By then I was filled with tears. Darling asked me to lie side by side and say every single thought running on my mind. I told darling that I feel to not live and end my life. My cynicism runs very very heavy at times and keeps drowning me with such thoughts. I also told darling about what I was thinking to write in my suicide note. All this while I was crying very very heavy and darling held my had close to his heart. This is the most comfortable place for in the world, and I feel so my self when I cry in darling's arm. There can not be a better place than this for me in any world. Darling asked me to let my thoughts flow and not contain any thing with in, never. Darling also told me that if there were ever any problem with darling's life, darling would tell me first. Having heard about my suicidal thoughts, darling wanted me to swear on his head. Darling held my hand kept on his head but I kept taking it back. Darling asked me to always remember that there is god with in and I should never forget this. Darling always says that if I ever did any thing to me it is going to kill him the very next moment. Darling, you always let me vent out my feeling and how easy I feel after this.
By then it was time for dinner and we headed out. Darling was to go home post dinner. We came back to my room and darling started playing and singing some songs which darling had dedicated me. I had my head in darling's lap and darling was caressing me gently. I told honey that when ever I listen to "Aaoge jub tum sajana..." and the flute beat, I feel as if my soul is leaving me. I miss darling so much when ever I listen to this song. Honey I am playing this song right now. Then it was the time for darling to head out. But darling was little reluctant and decided to spent night with me. Darling, I was so happy having to know that I was going to be in honey's arms for whole night. This was one of happiest night I have spent with darling. I have no sorrow left with me at all.... no sorrow what so ever.
Its morning 11:32am now, darling left for home early morning 5am. I can smell darling all over me, don't feel to take bath today.
Darling, what would I do if I had not met you......

Darling looked sad today and honey can not take it.....

Somehow I sensed during morning cab that darling was not same today. I was as usual not ready to leave darling's hand with out realizing that darling might be under going pain. Some thing which I felt when cab moved along.
Asked once to darling but darling denied squarely.
Reached office and had breakfast with darling and others.
Reached my work station and could not control my self and asked darling to meet me. And I moved to darling's floor. Moved to a conference room with darling and asked him about missing zeal. Darling did not say any thing and began to laugh. And I was still not convinced about every thing being cool with darling.

Darling told me in past how much darling has contained with him. This was darling's second trip to my room, when I asked darling to shun me. I was not able to live with the feeling that I love darling and not be with him.
I cried to darling and said I am madly in love with him and can not take the feeling of not being with him. Then darling told me how much darling has contained to him since long. Darling feels hanging on the edge of deep abyss and me asking darling to shun me is only going to make him fall.... fall in deep abyss. Having heard this I went all out for darling, held his head in hands and kept it close to my heart and said - "I am sorry, I would never ask you to shun me"  I distinctly remember my words...

Darling your words resound in my ears today. I am so afraid that you are contained some thing with in, and I know if you don't tell me some thing then it is only to not upset me. Honey I am still not able to believe that you get 6hrs of sleep. But there is nothing in this world which make me any happier than seeing my darling sleeping.

I could not control my self and post lunch asked honey to meet me in cafeteria again. I had the same question and darling was showing all happiness again. Darling I so very feel you are containing some thing with in. Please do tell me honey, for my sake at least. This feeling it self kills me......

n.b. I changed darling's name in my cell to jenzy today.
While going back to work station, darling kissed me today I said thanks and came and moved to my work station...

Darling came home yesterday - March 15, 2011

Came as a surprise. Darling told me on Monday that tomorrow eve darling and I would be together. While coming back in eve darling got a bit before my room and I got down almost near my room.
Darling is afraid of getting down to my room as other might doubt us, and I perfectly understand it.
After a while darling was there in my room. Darling was really hungry and brought "Paneer Manchrian" and mill shake.
Once darling was in my room, I became a baby not ready to leave darling move from my arms. Darling was really hungry and started to eat and feed me at same time. Darling kept insisting that darling wanted to see my face and I wanted to hide my face in darling's lap. When ever darling is in my room, he always asks me to talk and talk and  not leave any thing on my mind. And during these moments I just want to see darling's face and lost in his arms.
I told darling that whenever you say that you can not guarantee things to me it leaves a huge gap on my heart and darling said that he guarantees to me to be with me. Darling I know that no one can guarantee any thing about tomorrow but please never say it explicitly that you can not guarantee. It just makes me more hollow than ever.

Darling asked me to sleep in his arms for some time as darling had to move back to home in the eve and I was all blissful being with my soul mate. It was one brief meeting but such brief meetings give me pleasure of life.

My love, thanks for coming to my life and making it less and less moron...

And darling asked me to write down problems....

I would have never begun this blog, if darling had not asked me to write the problems I think of., and those which worry me constantly. Darling said that I need not publish the blog but I could not control my self letting world know that how much I love darling and how blessed (but yet pathetic in nature) I am. I am usually bogged down with the feeling of separation as darling might move abroad soon. I do want darling to pursue his dream but I too want to be with darling where ever darling goes. My biggest worry is about not being to be with darling, and this feeling just kills me some times.....
and non one knows my mental state than my darling. I am writing this post to explore my options...

So darling moved abroad and  I could be -

1. Most morbid thought of mine, I would stay in India. Wonder who would I live for when my darling is not here.
2. I some how convince my manager that I would work from abroad. Though it would incur heavy expense on me. But what would I do of money with out my darling.
3. I get a job abroad. This is the best think which could happen. God are you listening?

I just want to be with darling at any cost and I am going to leave no stone unturned to be with my soulmate.....

My birthday 3rd March 2011 and Darling made it special....

Well this was no special day for me. Knowing how moron I am, you would have known that I would rarely ever write about a day being special. Yes it was my birthday. 3rd of March and I turned a bit more old. A friend happened to deliver cake early morning and I could not even call her inside. Cut the cake in the middle of the road and had to ask friend to go home as I had to catch office cab.
Happened to meet my darling in office cab and darling was all showering love on me. Kissed on my shoulder, held my hand tight and.....The only interesting part in going to office cab is being with honey (Should write a blog post of its own some time). I felt honey wanted to kiss me in the cab itself. But alas.....
Evening honey came with me to my room. I had lots of morning cake kept in room. I cut the cake again and offered it to darling and darling put it back in my mouth. Then darling said to have cherry in a way so both get to eat half of it. I put cherry in my mouth and darling came near to me to get cherry from mouth. But I ended up in having entire cherry and darling got nothing. Next was darling's turn. Darling kept cherry in his mouth and asked me to have it.  And yes I did have a little piece of cherry from Darling's mouth. Looks like it became more sweet as it stayed in darling's mouth.
Darling, these lovely instinct of yours always win my heart.
Later darling wanted to paste my face with cake. Some thing I did not allow any one to do with my face. And darling did cake on my face and started to lick (Darling it was such a beautiful day, I always have tears of happiness when I think of it) . Darling cleared my entire face and I was feeling so happy to be done so by my darling. My face was all bright and shining, never have seen such facet of my face. And why would not it be, in fact darling himself cleansed it with his tongue.
Darling wanted to watch Tangled again having me  in his arms. Darling was lying behind me and I felt like a small baby who wanted to get inside darling. Both darling and I were tired and slept in a while. We got up at about quarter to 12 and I told darling that I my birthday was about to get over. Darling asked me that we would kiss till 12 night. And there were about 12 mins left to 12 O'clock. We started kissing and kept kissing and kissing ans kissing and kissing.... till it was 12. Once 12 mins of kissing was over then we.........
Soon it was morning and darling had to go back to home. This was the most romantic birthday I have ever had and all credit goes to my Darling......

In stadium with Darling..First time this year 13th Mar 2011...

I have always been forcing darling to work out and darling has been complying to my commands like a baby. Some times I fear I have been pushing darling too much.
Reached stadium about 7am morning and darling said that he would reach by 7:10. I brought water with me coz darling feels thirsty while running.
I was sitting on stairs and darling came from other side of stadium, waved  hand at me and and I was all gang ho seeing my soul mate. Darling wanted to walk for some time before running. And after 4 rounds of walk we started to run. Soon I realized that darling was panting badly and was using mouth to breathe than nose. I asked darling to close his mouth and then darling told me that he has been habituated of mouth breathing since child hood. Darling was suffering from Bronchitisin since child hood and I never knew this. (Darling what other sufferings of yours you have not told me till now)
I feel more terrible today that I made darling run despite all the suffering. Honey, we will only walk and not run from today. You suffer from less breathing and keep running coz I ask. Love I am not no cruel.
After about 7 rounds we were sitting to take some rest. Darling was sweating badly and I wanted to kiss all that sweat desperately. Darling you look so so so charming when you sweat. I kissed my hand offered it to darling, darling kept his hand on mine and then kissed his hand. I wonder if we would ever be able to kiss openly, but I fear never in India.
After a while we moved to a near by park and I asked darling to do some stretching exercises. Best of all was the leg stretching when I could hold my honey to support (for world to see) and being closer to my darling. Darling was still sweating and I could not control my self. I kept my hand on darling's head and caressed it gently and kiss all the fragrant sweat. What could be more beautiful smell in this world than my darling's sweat. It was the time and darling had to go back to home.
Later we moved out of garden to go home. There was a temple on the way and darling asked me to say "Hi"  to god. (Yes I say Hi to god). I said god that I love darling.
Darling dropped me to a place to catch bus and then we began to move in opposite direction. I looked back couple of times to see my darling moving away from me. And this is the worse part of any meeting of mine with darling. I saw darling looking back at me once too (or may be more when I was not looking back). I reached the turning point and darling was still going straight. I had a last glimpse of darling for day and moved to bus stop.....

Darling, would you leave me?

Darling your pathetic moron is sad today and yet again... I am listening to these lines while writing this post -

Escaping nights without you with shadows on the wall
My mind is running wild tryin hard not to fall
You told me that you love me but say I’m just a friend
my heart is broken up into pieces

Only difference is I am not crying as you consoled me enough in the eve. Darling whenever you talk about your marriage to some one, it breaks my heart and makes me feel that I am going to loose my SHJ today or tomorrow. You tell me to trust you to make our relation happen but you also say that you can not guarantee me. My love, this leaves a huge gap on my mind. I feel more lonely, more hollow than ever.

Darling my life hinges on to you and I am already shattered with the feeling of you moving abroad and me sobbing here in you absense....

Love, don't shower so much love on to me to leave me alone one day. The day you leave me is going to me last day of my life, and I mean it.

Only Yours
DDT

Valentine Day (14th Feb 2011) with Darling.... and I spoilt it...

arling was in Chennai before valentine day and I was badly missing him. Called me a couple of times and consoled me that darling will soon be with me. Darling had to move to Hyderabad on 14th Feb by train, and I had to be in office. Darling and I decided to meet at railway station on 14th Feb and darling said that we would kiss in train toilet and I wondered if darling was kidding. I was all romantic (yes I moron turn romantic also, though rarely) and surprised on 13th Feb with what darling told me about kissing. But as ill luck would have it, my bro called on 13th Feb. Told me all what was enough to upset me for entire month and I started to miss darling even more. Darling, I just wanted to cry in your arms after this. 14th Feb came and I took early off from office. So very excited to see darling and say how much I missed him and just cry in darling's arms. Darling's dad came to drop him to bus stop and I was waiting at next stop. Darling got down at next stop and then we caught an auto. Darling was having severe leg pain from past trips and I could not do any thing to help darling.

And darling asked me how I passed days and the first thing I spoke about was how bro treated me previous night. Darling told me that he just wishes that things go well when I go home (yes I was to go home few days later) Then we reached station, I was still sad and wanted to cry in darling's arms. But how would I in a crowded place like railway station and that also in arms of a guy.

We got in to train and there was some time left for train to depart and so to me to go back to home. Suddenly darling asked to go to train toilet and I was stunned. We asked another passenger to take care of our goods and moved towards toilet first me and then darling. Inside toilet darling asked me if I missed him. I said yes with heavy gush of tears in my eyes. By then darling began to kiss me. And we kissed for a minute or so. Then darling wanted to pee, but looked like it just did not happened. Then darling asked me to... and I did... and still with tears in my eyes. Darling did you see my face? I just wanted to cry in your arms darling and nothing more, what so ever. Darling offered me that he could do to me.... but I denied, I just denied. We came out of train and darling got in to his birth and I was standing out looking at darling till train left.

Darling I know you are never offended with what I say but but I was feeling so very used that day. For a while felt that this relation is going more physical than any emotional connect. Once your train was moved I wanted to jump in front of other train and end my life (Darling, my eyes are brimmed with tears writing this blog. But then with whom else would I share this with). Just wanted to end my life and leave this world. But coward me did not have courage to do so also. Rushed to bus stop from railway station, kept crying whole way till bus stop. Got in to bus and tried to hide my tears.

Darling, this was just my state of mind that day. I wanted to cry in your arms shj and nothing more. I trust in our love more than any thing else in world and if required can confront train to keep this love going. Honey, please don't be offended with what I have written here. I beg you darling and I know I need not.

Darling I realized that day, there would be problems and may be more in our relation but I need to learn to fight and never have the feeling to give up. Never ever.

SHJ, thanks for coming to my life, I just could not have expected more in life than you darling. Thank god for bringing SHJ to my life....

A deep passionate kiss to you darling :-*

Tangled with Darling

Darling callled me up on Saturday (don't remember the date though) and asked if I would be free on Sunday as darling wanted to go for shopping and a movie to. And how could not I spend time with darling?

boarded on a bus and reached Brigade Road with Darling. There was metro standing and darling and I took couple of pics.
Moving forward darling happened to hit me on head lovingly and me moron... took offense at him and began to go back. I was a few steps away and darling sent me couple of message, and me cruel did not reply to either. And then darling called me up and I did not pick up the call and kept moving far. But then something stopped me and I began to move towards me. Saw darling after a while and found him saying sorry to me with most innocent gesture in world. And me pathetic was still angry and gave lecture about never hitting my head again. Though darling only gently touched my head. Some times I ask god, why I am so moron, so pathetic and response is only a deep silence......


Did some shopping with darling and then moved to watch movie Tangled. And I was all carried away watching the movie. Felt I am Rapunzel (well not at all gentle but one who has been deprived of love) and darling being Flynn. Darling held my hand tight during movie, covered it with sweater so no one else sees us in theater. Caressing my hand gently and I was reciprocating same. But then I was filled with terrible feeling of me loosing darling when Flynn was injured by his old team members and made Rapunzel think that Flynn betrayed her. Those 3d glasses really helped me in hiding my tears. Every single moment darling would hold my hand tight I would have gush of tears in my eyes.

Darling, I love you so much... even my chronic cynicism can never deviate me. trust me darling.

Then was the song "I see the light" and I wanted to get lost with darling. In a world where only two of us are there with out any inhibitions. Well, movie reached an end, and darling wanted to buy shoes. After a while we were in Auto heading back to home. And then darling kissed his hand and kept in on my lips. Darling really wanted to kiss me that night but being in an auto a and in middle of road in India...

It was first romantic movie experience of my life and I would cherish it till I am alive... and Darling sorry for being moron heading back middle way. But honey, I can never be away from you. Never...

First time we kissed in office...

First blog post and I am writing it with out any intro of how a pathetic, moron me fell in love. But in so much love today that what ever agony I was feeling since yesterday has all washed away, literally.

Honey realized that I was down today (and yet again) , tried to console me during office breakfast but could not pacify me enough and honey realized it too. Day passed by and both of us were done with lunch. Post lunch honey pinged me and asked if I had some free time. (and even if I were in middle of most critical task I would leave that and come running to my honey....).
Moved to cafeteria again and honey wanted to know why I was so so down. And I told honey that I fear about him moving to US pursuing his future plans and me being here alone, seeing my self dying every single moment. And then honey told me to remember what honey always tells me - we will take it step by step. And I was almost rushed to tears. Honey asked if I am not comfortable in cafe and should move out of office and I said yes. We moved out roaming in parking lot of other companies and honey kept asking me what troubles me so much. And I started with my moron story of fear of separation. And then there was a quiet place and honey wanted to kiss me on cheek but I warned of some one seeing us. But yet honey kisses my shoulder. Honey kept consoling me, insisting that he can also not live with out me and would try to get me to US to. I was a bit pacified by then. And then we were walking back to out office. Reached basement and honey insisted to take lift, though I usually force honey to follow stairs. Once we were in lift, no one was around and before the door closed honey asked me to come close. Once door was closed, honey and I had a quick kiss on lips, first ever in office. Next floor, gate opened and no one got in, gate closed and we kissed again. Gate opened again on next floor and as ill luck would have it, two more people got in. I wanted to kiss Honey again, third time but.... next floor I had to move out and I said bye to Honey and got to my work floor......

And this was my first kiss in office, and I wish we have many more in near future. Though I am afraid of some one seeing us. And how horrible it would be for two guys kissing in public in India...

I so much wish to go to a place where I could kiss honey publicly and no one would look back. God, is there any such place for us?


10th March - Darling kissed me today in lift again, alas I had to move out at first floor. Badly needed those kissed after spent evening in tears, missing my soulmate. Thanks shj.

11th March - Darling kissed me twice, once when we were going down in lift and then when were coming up to our work stations. Kiss was much longer when we were coming up. Thanks darling, only you know how badly I need those.