Noa says "we can not be together after what happened to dad"

Days are not going any smooth. Friday mom told me that I should get married in a month and Dad asked for Noa's surname and father's name. I was as usual shaky and started sending sms to noa Friday night itself. Noa had to go for mom's check up on Saturday and then told me his surname and father's name according to religion. I was still feeling very shaky. Felt as if noa was not giving much needed attention to it. Any way day passed by and it was evening soon. Evening I saw noa was tagged in one friend's photo in FB. I was fill with jealously. Thinking noa did not tell me that he went out and I keep giving every minute details.
After demise of noa's dad I did not ask noa to come to room thinking noa wants to spent time with mon  but noa went to meet other friends and not me. I sent some anger sms the night and noa said that I am separating us. Some how night got over and Sunday began.

Seeing me not ready to be consoled with any thing. Noa sent one sms - "Kutti one think I always want to make sure is I never want to let kutti feel alone po... I realized we can't be together after what happened to dad... I wanted Kutti to get settled soon...I want you to get married soon with someone you like..."

I don't know what I like in my life. I am so confused. This is the second time we were discussing separation.
There have been times in past when I asked noa, what would happen to us and noa said he does not know. This thought of not knowing future fills me with more cynicism. I am so pathetic that this cynicism aggravates my feeling of being lonely and having been used by others even more. All the incidents which have hurt me and keep hurting me run concurrently on my mind. They just fill me with more cynicism and make me feel that people are here to use other, there is no true love in this world.

Later noa asked me come online on skype but I denied. Could not control myself and came online. Both of us were crying. Noa told me that if I did any thing to me noa would die the next moment. Noa said - "Sometimes I wished I could die and hope to live with you next time". Noa said that we would go to us and we can stay together there. There would be lot less questions asked in US than in India.

I was consoled for a while but my cynicism is running high again. Spoke to mom today and she said what was only needed to boost my sadness. I have been again increasingly feeling that noa would leave me one day, if not today than tomorrow....

Noha's dad left us yesterday

Noha's dad was suffering from cancer and we did not realize it until he was shifted to a hospital in Basavanagudi. He was diagnosed in Manipal earlier but the useless doctors only wanted money and did not even find what he was suffering from. Last few days were very painful for him. His body was swollen all over and he had great trouble in breathing.

Noha's dad would always ask me that I am so lean. No stomach at all. He would ask me about my marriage plans. When I visited him in Manipal hospital, he jockingly said if noha and I were gay as we don't show any interests in marriage. Soon he was discharged but with in few days at home his condition began to deteriorate again. This is when noha decided to consult another hospital. Noa was soon told by doctor that dad has reached advanced stages of cancer and may not survive. The night noa called me with teary eyes and said - "po dad will not survive". Noa had not yet revealed it at home. But then sooner or later every one became wary of it.

I visited noa's dad at home before he was moved to new hospital. He had tons of things to talk about. He was excited to tell me stories of his work years. And he again had same observation that I am very lean. He asked me if I came to see him and I said "No I came to Aunti".

Soon noa's dad was in new hospital in Basavanagudi. I went to see him on Saturday. His condition did not look any good but yet seeing me he held his hand to shake with me. I was not cleary able to follow what he was speaking. Noa asked me to hold his hand while noa held other. Dad told me (he would usually speak to me in Hindi) - "Bahut garm/joshila haanth hai" (Very warm and energetic hand). I spent some time there, and before leaving when I said bye he said "Shukriya" (thank you) and asked me to come home.

Saturday night dad could not sleep. Noa told me that he held dad's hand entire night as dad was very restless. Sunday morning he was shifted to ICU. Noa was allowed to see dad in eve, later night he left us.

I went to crematorium today. Noa and his brother were there, looking to arrange for pandit. I saw tears only once in noa's eyes. I wanted to hug my noa and make him calm but my noa is already so strong. Seeing me sad, noa kept asking me to smile. Once there was no one in room, only noa, dad and I. Noa hugged me kissed me gently on neck. Noa do you realize, this was our first and last kiss in front of dad.

Soon Pandit came and ceremonies began...
I was listening to this song on Saturday -

Letter from Darlu

Noha sent me this mail today -

<quote>

Po Kutti,

How are you darlu? I don't know why I'm writing this mail po. But I felt like doing so.

Po I miss you so much po. Every minute I'm away from you, my life feels worthless.

I cannot stop thinking about you and I don't know why. Everytime I remember your face,

I feel very sacred to have spent a moment with you in this life. I have never felt this free in all my life

with anyone po. When I'm with you, it feels like there is no worry ever in this world. It feels like I'm the happiest
person in this world. And that feeling of satisfaction blooms all around! I always picture Po who keeps working so hard

for buying a house, just to stay close to me. So focused and having so much love in your heart spreading out, in fact overflowing

that anyone who is getting that love needs to be really strong to take it all. I'm flooded with your love po. This is the first time in my life
where I've seen so much love coming back. The feeling of being in the company of someone who loves you back so much... I don't

have words to explain that po.

I feel very plagued with worries and more worries from people all around po. No one wants to understand what I feel about something.

They assume what I feel and do not care to ask what I feel inside. Sometimes I feel a very strong urge to break away from all these 

shackles and live my life the way I like. But I'm unable to do so. I remain silent and people think I have no worries. The only happiness

I have in this life is you. In your company, I be myself darlu. I be what I feel like I want to be. There are times when I feel that others 

should show some gratitude to whatever help I do to them. When they cut across me and behave so thankless, it breaks my heart so much 

and I feel why I should have even helped them. You are the only person in this world who has given me so much love and care back.

You are the only person whom I have no complaints about. You are the only person who has opened the door to immense joy and walked along with me holding my hand. You showed me what heaven is like, what real joy of being loved is. You're the only person who assured me that I can trust in others.

I do not know if I'm doing enough to secure a long lasting association with a beloved one who is a reflection of life full of happiness, warmth and well being.i can feel your every breath around me. I long for that lovely scent of yours which teleports me to a world of carefree happy life, which is full of vivid colors and laden with happy memories.

I cannot think of life without you.i cannot think of a day I do not speak to you or without a thought about you. If I ever do, it means my earthly body is squashed out of life completely. 

I love you po. You are the best thing that ever happened to me which made me feel happy, smile genuinely and feel what true life means.

Love,

Noha

</quote>

Of late I quarreled with noha when he his shared office things with me. My noha feels lonely, I am so pathetic.