And I met Dominik

3rd of march 2014 I moved to Berlin in hope of new life. Day by day it became more clear that I can not be with noa and I was not able to take burden of postponing marriage time and again in India. I decided to leave India and I am in Berlin today.

I met many guys in India to know if I can find a new noa bit nothing worked. In just 20 days in Berlin I met three guys and did not click any thing with any of them. And then was thee Dominik.

I met Dominik on grindr and he showed willingness to meet. I was in office apartment when I finally met him.
He is such a noble and kind person. Dominik was showing me around he city and this was the happiest day for me since I came to Berlin. I truly enjoyed time with him. He came to office apartment with me and left after a while. Once he was gone then I began to feel great void, the void which I used to feel when noa would leave for home. It is not that I have not met other guys after noa but I never felt such void once I was done meeting and talking to any of those guys. I had not had this feeling from long and meeting Dominik just once brought the feelings of being bogged down back to me.

I was not able to focus much on work next week, I kept thinking about the time I spent with Dominik, it seemed so beautiful and I wished I had more time to talk to him. Dominik offered to help me in moving to my new apartment on coming Saturday. Meanwhile I had let Dominik know that I was missing not meeting him. Initially he laughed off but then he said that his approach is going to be slower and he wants to know some one relaxed.

I remember when I told him in past that I would find a nice man and move with him then he had said laughingly that "I am a nice man but one has to be patient with me"....

Any way, I met Dominik again on Saturday. He brought his car and helped me move. We had lunch in an Italian restaurant though I found food aweful. Dominik told me that he slept in the morning 5 am previous night and I asked him to go home soon to take rest. Thought I was sad to see him go, I could not have been so selfish. I bid him good bye and I was happy that I met him. I hope to meet him again, he is such a nice company to spend time with...

Noa says "we can not be together after what happened to dad"

Days are not going any smooth. Friday mom told me that I should get married in a month and Dad asked for Noa's surname and father's name. I was as usual shaky and started sending sms to noa Friday night itself. Noa had to go for mom's check up on Saturday and then told me his surname and father's name according to religion. I was still feeling very shaky. Felt as if noa was not giving much needed attention to it. Any way day passed by and it was evening soon. Evening I saw noa was tagged in one friend's photo in FB. I was fill with jealously. Thinking noa did not tell me that he went out and I keep giving every minute details.
After demise of noa's dad I did not ask noa to come to room thinking noa wants to spent time with mon  but noa went to meet other friends and not me. I sent some anger sms the night and noa said that I am separating us. Some how night got over and Sunday began.

Seeing me not ready to be consoled with any thing. Noa sent one sms - "Kutti one think I always want to make sure is I never want to let kutti feel alone po... I realized we can't be together after what happened to dad... I wanted Kutti to get settled soon...I want you to get married soon with someone you like..."

I don't know what I like in my life. I am so confused. This is the second time we were discussing separation.
There have been times in past when I asked noa, what would happen to us and noa said he does not know. This thought of not knowing future fills me with more cynicism. I am so pathetic that this cynicism aggravates my feeling of being lonely and having been used by others even more. All the incidents which have hurt me and keep hurting me run concurrently on my mind. They just fill me with more cynicism and make me feel that people are here to use other, there is no true love in this world.

Later noa asked me come online on skype but I denied. Could not control myself and came online. Both of us were crying. Noa told me that if I did any thing to me noa would die the next moment. Noa said - "Sometimes I wished I could die and hope to live with you next time". Noa said that we would go to us and we can stay together there. There would be lot less questions asked in US than in India.

I was consoled for a while but my cynicism is running high again. Spoke to mom today and she said what was only needed to boost my sadness. I have been again increasingly feeling that noa would leave me one day, if not today than tomorrow....

Noha's dad left us yesterday

Noha's dad was suffering from cancer and we did not realize it until he was shifted to a hospital in Basavanagudi. He was diagnosed in Manipal earlier but the useless doctors only wanted money and did not even find what he was suffering from. Last few days were very painful for him. His body was swollen all over and he had great trouble in breathing.

Noha's dad would always ask me that I am so lean. No stomach at all. He would ask me about my marriage plans. When I visited him in Manipal hospital, he jockingly said if noha and I were gay as we don't show any interests in marriage. Soon he was discharged but with in few days at home his condition began to deteriorate again. This is when noha decided to consult another hospital. Noa was soon told by doctor that dad has reached advanced stages of cancer and may not survive. The night noa called me with teary eyes and said - "po dad will not survive". Noa had not yet revealed it at home. But then sooner or later every one became wary of it.

I visited noa's dad at home before he was moved to new hospital. He had tons of things to talk about. He was excited to tell me stories of his work years. And he again had same observation that I am very lean. He asked me if I came to see him and I said "No I came to Aunti".

Soon noa's dad was in new hospital in Basavanagudi. I went to see him on Saturday. His condition did not look any good but yet seeing me he held his hand to shake with me. I was not cleary able to follow what he was speaking. Noa asked me to hold his hand while noa held other. Dad told me (he would usually speak to me in Hindi) - "Bahut garm/joshila haanth hai" (Very warm and energetic hand). I spent some time there, and before leaving when I said bye he said "Shukriya" (thank you) and asked me to come home.

Saturday night dad could not sleep. Noa told me that he held dad's hand entire night as dad was very restless. Sunday morning he was shifted to ICU. Noa was allowed to see dad in eve, later night he left us.

I went to crematorium today. Noa and his brother were there, looking to arrange for pandit. I saw tears only once in noa's eyes. I wanted to hug my noa and make him calm but my noa is already so strong. Seeing me sad, noa kept asking me to smile. Once there was no one in room, only noa, dad and I. Noa hugged me kissed me gently on neck. Noa do you realize, this was our first and last kiss in front of dad.

Soon Pandit came and ceremonies began...
I was listening to this song on Saturday -